Cognitive disability and money problems

When I was a student, I was impatient to turn my skill into something that could get me income, I didn’t have good connections though.

My ADHD made it hard to make connections and I didn’t even know about my ADHD so the thought that I suck or was not worth it took over my mind.

The Android spams

I started thinking of doing spammy android apps.

I have enough skills to make mediocre useless apps so If I create enough of these and just spam the market I’ll be able to accumulate a few dollars.

My monthly expenses were about 40$ per month so a few extra dollars out of these spams would make a difference.

This didn’t work because I was never able to finish these apps.

I tried to take advantage of some friends, to play the role of a manager or a leader.

Asking them to work on some things so I can upload and try to monetize them.

I planned to split the profit, and when I was honest with some of my friends they didn’t consider me evil.

But working on something that is not intended for the experience or building something valuable but rather spammy and malicious?

I consider that to be immoral.

Getting paid to do homework

One day I saw a Facebook post for a person who needed to hire someone to help with their homework.

A student from Saudi Arabia who is studying in the US found it cheap to hire someone like me to do their homework and projects.

I said I know someone because I was ashamed to be asking for money (yes I was weirdly shy).

I created a fake Facebook account and started contacting him as the fake person who is going to do their homework.

I was paid about 10 to 20 dollars, can’t remember the exact value since it was in SAR and currency values change over time.

The guy who paid me the price of lunch to do his homework for 4 to 8 hours, failed and asked me for a refund.

His professor said it can’t be his work since he didn’t do a good job explaining it.

I blocked him from the fake account.

When he reached out to me, I told him my friend said I can’t mediate, I found a way to both cheat and lie for less than 20 dollars. 🤦‍♀️

Taking a job I can’t do

I remember a friend got hired to make an android app.

He was excited to share the news with me and he asked me some technical questions.

I wasn’t cooperative or helped direct him to the resources he needed.

I was so jealous and went on a rant trying to prove that he should’ve not taken the job since he doesn’t know how to do it.

I was a hypocrite though because I took a job that I wasn’t prepared for as well.

An architecture professor was making a model of a damn for a museum in Aswan.

He wanted to hire someone to travel with him and fix the electromechanical part of the model in case it breaks down during shipping.

I interviewed and took the job.

I had no tools with me.

I even didn’t spend time trying to understand how the model is working or what might break and how to fix it.

I put that project in danger and I felt so bad about it.

My guilt pushed me to spend all the money I made from this Job to get my sister a gift.

Apparently, if you use the money for something noble, it justifies how you got the money, I call it the Robin Hood Complex.

I wanted to go to the professor’s office, apologize and maybe make amends, but he died before I had a chance to do so.

Why was I so evil?

I believe if I had emotional support or mental health care, none of this would have happened.

I’m not proud of any of these stories and it’s not easy to share them.

I would have been happy if I had a simple job that covers the extra things I needed.

Only needed a few pounds of fruit every month.

Medications or painkillers for the kidney stone that I kept inside of my body for a couple of years until I could afford to get surgery.

I was too shy to ask for help and it felt embarrassing to be in need.

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